in an orderly fashion
by smartalker
Summary: In which four people are stuck in a closet. Lucy fumes, Loki leers, Natsu sets things on fire, and Gray just wishes someone would kiss Lucy so they could all get out. Oh, and Happy is an evil genius. That too.


**In an Orderly Fashion**

He was a genius. A complete, irrevocable genius, and someday, the streets would fill with those crying his praises to the stars, and there would be an abundance of sweet smelling girls and fish and—

"LET US OUT!" an indignant scream tore through the room. Happy sipped his tea, little paws holding his mug carefully. Mirajane cooed.

"_I _don't really mind." A deeper voice drawled, followed by a slightly pained whimper as he was elbowed in the gut.

"You! Go back to the astral plane! There's no room!"

"I know. I know that very, very well."

"YOU PIG—"

There was a sharp slap, and then Natsu screeched.

"That was _me_!"

"Oh," Lucy sounded apologetic, "Sorry, Natsu. I was aiming for Loki."

"I'm not letting you out until you resolve your issues!" Happy proclaimed, and twirled the ring of keys about his little furry tummy like it was a hula hoop. Mirajane almost fainted from sheer cuteness.

"Why am _I_ in here?" Gray's voice whined, and was promptly ignored.

"This is—ow, way to small," Lucy's voice sounded slightly muffled, like she was being smashed up against something, "And dark. Natsu, light, please."

"Okay."

There was a pause, and then a slight sizzling sound.

"MY HAIR!" Gray screamed shrilly, and then Lucy started screaming, so then Loki started screaming, until Natsu finally just swallowed the fire back down.

"Sorry."

"_You did that on purpose_."

"Children," Loki sounded almost infuriatingly patronizing, "Fighting will not get us out of the closet. But I can think of several things that will. So, Lucy, if you'd just—"

"Pah," Lucy sounded strangely self assured, "Just try it. Natsu and Gray will beat you up."

"We will?" Gray asked, sounding surprised.

"Yes!" Lucy shrieked, "You will!"

"Oh."

"I'll share." Loki offered, before something that sounded very, very violent happened within the closet. Happy frolicked in tiny circles. Mirajane started filming him.

"What's the big deal, Lucy?" Natsu sounded almost petulant, "I mean, we won't be able to break the enchantment otherwise. Just kiss someone."

"No way." Lucy snapped, "And why does everyone just assume that I'm a part of this equation? There are four variables, only two were required, and none specified."

"Lucy," Gray sounded smug, "Use smaller words and talk slower so that Natsu can understand you."

"I can burn all the hair off your body, if you'd like." Natsu offered dangerously.

"Whatever!" Lucy sounded impatient, "Just make out already!"

"WHAT?"

"WHAT?"

"Oh, pooh," Loki pouted. There was a bang as someone, (probably Gray) kicked him.

"No way." The elemental mages said in tandem, "Not happening. Anybody but him."

"Fine. Loki. Get your groove on."

"Well, look at the time."

"DON'T YOU DARE—"

"My, _my_, I didn't know you cared!" he sounded suspiciously delighted. Lucy, on the other hand, sounded squeakily embarrassed.

"I'm tackling you."

"It sure feels like a hug." He seemed almost unimaginably pleased.

"Well, it's _not_." Lucy muttered, flustered.

"…Natsu." Gray sounded slightly pained, "Come on. I'll hold her."

"…WHAT." Lucy's shriek made the glass windows rattle slightly, and the crowd gathered curiously around the closet all winced.

"Hey," Loki sounded irritated, "Back off. I got this."

"You take too long," Natsu snorted.

"This is rape!"

"I wouldn't have. You idiots ruined the mood!"

"Sexual assault! Harassment! Abuse!"

"It's a _kiss_," Gray snapped at her, sounding exasperated, "Now, just—hold—OW OW OW THAT WAS MY _EYE_."

"WELL, _YOU'RE_ DEMANDING SEXUAL FAVORS."

"Oh, come on! It's not even your first!"

"So? It's still—exploitation and…and badness!"

"Lucy, just—oh, hell."

The closet door abruptly swung open, revealing four very red teenagers. Gray and Lucy backed away from one another like they were polar magnets. Gray was noticeably lacking clothing.

"_I_," Loki announced in a quavering voice, "Have been _defiled_."

And with that, he vanished back to the astral plane.

Mirajane stared between Lucy and Gray, looking shocked, "_You_ two?"

"Did not," they both muttered darkly, shooting the other a nasty look. Natsu grimaced, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

"Caught him unaware." The fire mage muttered, and fled to the bathroom for some soap.

"…Okay." Happy was staring into space, looking crestfallen, "My poor, short life will be ending soon. Mirajane, you can have my fish."

"Thank you," Mirajane said graciously, and hid him beneath her apron.

* * *

**Notes**: Why is this fandom so small? Honestly, it is very frustrating. Especially when something like Chapter 120 happens. Because, _oh my god_, I did not see that one coming. Thank goodness I ditched Naruto for this. Anyway, someone with actually leadership qualities should step up and rally our forces.


End file.
